Beauty Tips. Yeah, I Have Beauty Tips. Why Are You So Surprised? That’s Rude.

Posted on February 25, 2013 by girlonthecontrary

Believe it or not, I actually do put some effort into looking my best. Sure, it might not be as much effort as I put into avoiding aliens, preparing for the apocalypse, or taking advantage of jazz hand opportunities, but there is definitely a non-zero effort put into looking good.

Of course, as befits an odd girl such as myself, my beauty tips might be a bit on the odd side. But they work. I think. It could be one of those things where you convince yourself something works because you were already inclined to believe it would work but it doesn’t work in reality, but it kind of does because you believe it. I think that’s called matrixing.

1. Wash your face with honey. I literally slather honey on my face every morning and every night. And then I just let it sit there, and maybe sometimes some of it slides into my mouth and it tastes good but that is totally not why I’m putting it on my face. But it is delicious. Also, you have to use Manuka honey from New Zealand. Because it’s very special. And delicious. And my skin is really clear and nice now. And my tea is never honey-less so WIN-WIN.

2. Put coconut oil in your tea. And your bath. And on your skin after your bath. It’s good for you inside and out! And your skin will never be softer and you will never smell more tropically. And also there are health benefits. Google it.

Ok. So, I have two tips. Which, isn’t like, many. But it’s more than none. Also, I’m realizing now that my tips are all food related. That seems about right.

What Would Liz Lemon Do?

Posted on August 3, 2012 by girlonthecontrary

There are a lot of new things going on in my life and it can be a bit overwhelming, so my new motto is “What would Liz Lemon do?”

For example, would Liz Lemon wear a blazer? Yes, yes she would. So, I bought two new blazers.

Would Liz Lemon make an awkward joke in order to break an even more awkward silence? Of course. And so will I.

Would Liz Lemon shout wildly at the driver in the car behind her because she felt like he was judging her for throwing an apple core out the window? I happen to think she would. And I already have.

Would Liz Lemon fully immerse herself in the drama of the olympics and not miss an event and eat box after box of cheez-its while she watched? Duh. And I think it’s clear that’s the right thing to do.

Would Liz Lemon stay up late to watch a terrible yet somehow amazing reality show? Yes. And it’s totally worth it.

After, I wrote this post, I googled “What would Liz Lemon do?” and there is like an entire community of people asking themselves that very same question and writing about it. And you know something, that brings me a lot of comfort.

The Great Chili Cheese Burrito Quest

Posted on May 24, 2012 by girlonthecontrary

Lincoln has an awesome state capital building but no CCB.

My quest has officially begun. No Taco Bell will go….unturned?….uncovered?…..un….I’m not really sure what word applies here, but suffice it to say I’ll be visting a lot of Taco Bells in the next year, and so will Captain Thoughtful because he is very supportive of this quest and also has a giant appetite.

Last weekend I visited the Taco Bell in the Dallas-Ft. Worth Airport. No luck. They didn’t even have the full menu, much less the fabled and elusive Chili Cheese Burrito (or CCB as I will call if from now on due to my typing laziness.) So, that was disappointing. However, quests aren’t mean to be easy so I continued on with high hopes and a growling tummy.

My next stop in the quest was Nebraska. Specifically, Lincoln. There was a Taco Bell less than a mile from our hotel and I immediately had a very good feeling about it. We stopped by after a late night and pulled up to the drive-thru, my heart was pounding as I perused the burrito menu….and……nothing. I mean, they had burritos, but they didn’t have THE burrito, the one burrito to rule them all. You let me down Lincoln, Nebraska Taco Bell.

Later, upon further introspection I realized the “good feeling” I had about the Lincoln Taco Bell could probably have been better classified as “hunger”. I’m going to have to watch out for that in the future.

The quest continues.

Also, it has been suggested that I could just find the recipe and make the CCB for myself but that is obviously the cowards way out of a quest and I’m no coward. Stop making logical suggestions like this to me immediately. They offend my sensibility.

My New New Year’s Resolutions

Posted on January 4, 2012 by girlonthecontrary

Since I officially ended my Year In Books because, you know, the New Year started, and it was a roaring success of a resolution, I decided I needed some new New Year’s resolutions, because I’m resolved like that. So, without further ado and comma splicing, I give you my 2012 New Year’s resolutions. (Please try and contain your jubilation and please don’t set off any more fireworks)

1. Learn to play the ukulele. A few (too many) Christmasses ago, my wonderful parents (who, you know, created me) gave me a ukulele. I had been basically begging for one for months and they gave in and got me one because I have very persuasive eyes and an annoying penchant for repeating my Christmas list out loud every day starting 3 months before Christmas. Long story short, I still haven’t learned how to really play it. So, this year, in order to make my parents proud and consistently annoy them with ukulele renditions of Johnny Cash songs, I’m learning to play my ukulele. Come hell, high water, or finger blisters.

2. Finish my book. Y’all, I’ve been working on this thing for what feels like 100 years. I keep changing it, going back and forth on what I want the over theme to be, and have changed the title about a gajillion times. What I have failed to do is actually finish it. So, I’ve set myself a writing schedule and plan on getting my hilarious onto paper. Or, you know, pulling out all my hair and procrastinating like a champ. I’ll keep you updated.

I limited myself to two resolutions because I’m only human (although I think I’ve made a pretty good case for superhuman adjacent) and really want to accomplish these goals before the apocalypse. Did you, most beloved of readers, make any resolutions? Please do tell. Happy 2012 my darlings!!!

Everything Is Haunted!

Posted on March 31, 2011 by girlonthecontrary

If you don't watch this show- you are probably being haunted. Watch and learn kids. Watch and learn.

Maybe some of you nay-sayers think today’s blog title was a scare tactic. It wasn’t. EVERYTHING IS HAUNTED!

At least, it feels that way to me. And sure, maybe two weekends in a row of Ghost Adventure marathons was too much. And sure, maybe it’s made me a lot more suspicious of strange noises and occurrences. And sure, probably most of these aren’t *actual* hauntings. And sure, maybe I’m being a bit hyperbolic. But really, after many hours of watching people hunt and interact with ghosts/demons/zombies (actually the zombies might have been something else I was watching….) you start to realize that everything is haunted and you better start paying attention because that creak in the stairs is actually a zombie coming to eat your brains, or a demon coming to possess you, or a ghost just trying to get a glass of water in the middle of the night. The following are accounts of real-life hauntings I’ve experienced since I started watching Ghost Adventures.

Demon Tree

Me: I love taking long walk in the woods. It’s so peaceful.

Friend: A little creepy. Like, a serial killer might jump out at any moment.

Me: Serial killer?? That would be like the worst serial killer ever. A *real* serial killer would totally stalk you and earn your trust and be like a normal person so you wouldn’t put up as much of a fight when they make their move and the whole time they have you you are totally thinking “I know this person, they won’t *actually* kill me.” But really they will totally kill you. A serial killer that jumps out of a wooded area would be a total amateur and probably the both of us could take him.

Friend: You’re sick.

Me: Or brilliant.

(At this point a tree branch scratches me)

Me: AAAAHHHHHHH! Demon tree!!! Demon tree!!! The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!

Friend: What is wrong with you?!

Me: Clearly, that tree is possessed by a demon.

Friend: Ummmm….

Me: Don’t you watch Ghost Adventures? When things scratch you, they are demonic. Duh.

Friend: Not everything that scratches you is demonic. What if you got scratched by a button?

Me: Demon button.

Friend: I probably should have seen that coming.

Haunted Bathroom

Me: How old is this house?

Friend: Like 100 years old.

Me: I bet it’s haunted.

Friend: Why would you say that?

Me: You can’t go 100 years and not have something really messed up happen. That shiz lingers.

Friend: Well, there is a place in my bathroom wall that’s hollow. It’s like they bricked over something.

Me: It’s a body. It’s hiding a body. Your bathroom is haunted.

Friend: Let’s go check.

(We get into bathroom and are totally quiet)

Me: Oh my goodness! Did you hear that woman’s voice???!

Friend: That was you.

Me: Probably not. Probably, it was the spirit of the woman who was walled in here alive because her husband caught her cheating with the milkman and wanted revenge. Also, I bet the milkman is buried in the backyard.

Friend: I bet you were a weird kid.

Me: Why?

Friend: Because you are a weird adult.

Me: Fair enough.

FIN

And those are like, not even the scariest of my ghost encounters. I didn’t want to really terrify you by telling you about the time my hair got pulled in a restaurant and everyone said it was just caught in my necklace but I knew better. Or about the time I got out of the shower and REDRUM was spelled out on the mirror. My theory on that one was that someone poisoned someone else’s red rum (a really delicious tropical drink made with strawberries, rum, and red kool-aid) thereby killing them. Although, it would have made a lot more sense if the ghost just spelled out MURDER. Way to make me work hard to solve the mystery surrounding your death stupid ghost. You’re welcome by the way.

Anyway, I’m probably going to be watching more Ghost Adventures this weekend.

Ghosts V. Hotel Renovations

Posted on December 14, 2010 by girlonthecontrary

So last weekend I went to Dallas to visit my sister and we spent the night in a hotel. Not just any hotel- an historic hotel. Which are my favorite kinds of hotels because they are usually haunted or at least have a grisly history of murders, suicides, and murder suicides. The hotel we stayed in was built in 1923. Perfect, I thought, because you know like loads of rich Texans totally offed themselves during the great depression in that hotel. Also, I mean in 87 years someone had to have been murdered in that hotel. All of these things add up to ghosts.

My sister, however, seemed unmoved by the prospect of spending the night in an almost certainly haunted hotel. In fact, she declared that the hotel couldn’t possibly be haunted because the hotel had been renovated. WHAT? Um, I don’t think that ghosts care at all about hotel renovations. My sister believes that ghosts do care about renovations and that they just sort of move on if the place they haunt gets renovated. Sometimes, I can’t even believe that she and I are related. Of course ghosts don’t care about renovations- I mean, sheesh, they are way more worried about haunting and spooking and the like. As long as everything is in the same place, I think ghosts are satisfied. How else would you explain the haunted buildings built on graveyards or battle grounds? Ghosts only care about location. I could not be more right. Unfortunately, despite my infallible logic, my sister was not convinced. She stuck to her “renovations=no ghosts” theory. And I was so distracted by this discussion that I forgot to look for signs of ghosts. So, I didn’t get to experience any hauntings or ghost-like tomfoolery. Shrugs.

Then, when I got home I looked up the hotel and it was TOTALLY haunted. Loads of people reported ghost sightings and unexplained haunting-like incidents. And I didn’t see anything. Or get haunted. Because I was too involved in a ghost v. renovations discussion. Also, I read that the hotel is really popular with celebrities but I didn’t see any of those either.

So, what side are you on in the great ghosts v. renovations debate of 2010?

Things I Would Do If I Were Stuck In An Elevator

Posted on November 5, 2010 by girlonthecontrary

My company moved offices last week. Our old building had elevators that were covered in mirrors that made you look really fat. They hurt my self-esteem on a daily basis. So, I was pretty excited to see the elevators at the new office were not mirrored. Well, I was excited about them until I got into one and the doors didn’t shut completely but the elevator started to go down anyway. Not super comforting. I can’t decide which is worse, the apparent lack of safety in the new elevators or the soul-crushing of the old elevators. I’ll probably just take the stairs from now on. Except that the stairs in the new office look like they might be haunted. Love. It.

Anyway this experience forced me to think about what I would do in case I got stuck in the probably haunted, at the very least not safe, elevator at work. This is the list I came up with. I am now completely prepared for the worst. Except for the haunted part, I really need to get a plan together in case of ghosts. In fact, I can’t believe I don’t already have one. I’m not as prepared for life as I thought I was if I don’t have a haunting contingency plan.

Note: This list assumes I have my purse with me. Also, you should know I have a lot of things in my purse.

1. Create my own language. I might do this even if I don’t get stuck in an elevator. But I was just thinking that getting stuck in an elevator is probably really motivating and since I would be facing death I would probably want to leave something behind to be remembered for. I’m pretty sure my language would have a lot of z’s in it. I bet someone deliberately traps me in an elevator now because they are so eager to hear the language I create, but don’t do it people, these things need to happen naturally.

2. Write down all the animals I can think of and then alphabetize them. I bet I could think of a lot of animals and I really like to alphabetize things. This would be a pretty excellent time killer. And hey, an alphabetized list of animals would make a really great present to give to someone. I’m nothing if not a multi-tasker.

3. Practice my dance moves. Getting stuck in an elevator would be a stellar opportunity to perfect my killer moves. Also, I might create some new dance moves that would be so amazing they would create world peace. Is there a Nobel prize for dancing? Probably not, because everyone knows I would win every year and that might seem unfair to people after a while.

4. Write a song parody to the alphabet song. How could I even do this? Magic. Also, the language I create might have a part in it.

5. Try to communicate with the ghosts in the elevator. Obviously, the elevator is haunted, otherwise, how would it have gotten stuck? Duh. Everyone knows that if an elevator gets stuck it’s because it’s haunted. I bet they would be pretty cool ghosts and after we talked for a while they might feel kind of bad about trapping me and then tell me some secrets that would make me really rich to apologize. Thanks ghosts, I’m really glad we had a chance to talk, and don’t worry about trapping me, it makes for a good story.

6. Write a treatise on something revolutionary. I’ve always wanted to do this. Getting stuck in an elevator is as good an opportunity as any other. Also, I bet if you’re stuck in an elevator a lot of things become really clear to you.

7. Take a nap. I might be in there a while and I really need my rest if I’m going to do 1-6.

What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator???

Thanks America. At Least I Will Finish My Book.

Posted on November 3, 2010 by girlonthecontrary

Dear America,

You hurt me yesterday. You hurt me real bad. You didn’t kill me but I definitely have a limp today. I’m not mad though. Well, yeah, actually I am mad, but I am channeling my frustration into my NaNoWriMo project. I’m writing a book that I’m pretty sure will make a lot of political and historical stuff more clear. If you read it. The best part is that the book is about political definitions and historical examples and not about your side or my side. Yay! This will benefit us all. I promise. If you read it. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is thank you for really upsetting me yesterday, you have given me new focus and determination to finish my book. It’s like, when people have to complete impossible feats because their family has been kidnapped and will be killed if they don’t. This is a lot like that. You kidnapped my optimism and are threatening to kill my hope- so I WILL finish this book to prevent that from happening. Thanks for the motivation.

Love,

Girl on the Contrary

P.S. Even if you kill my hope it won’t really die because my hope is like a zombie.

The BBC Is Trying To Kill Me

Posted on September 20, 2010 by girlonthecontrary

This was the headline that greeted me Friday morning. My heart literally stopped. It just froze in my chest. I had to stick my finger in an electrical socket to re-start it. Aliens??? My worst fears realized. And they cost the EU billions??? Gasp. Shudder. Scream. How could this be happening? Why haven’t I heard of it earlier? What if aliens have already taken over the bodies of people in the US ( no jokes here please because I know what you are all thinking….) and I am the only one left with control over their own mind? Is that why I haven’t heard about this before? A US alien conspiracy to hide the truth that they have already taken over and are costing us billions? So many questions!

Scared to death though I was, I continued to read on. At least I would finally know the truth. The truth ended up being that the BBC was just trying to kill me. What they meant when they said “alien invasion” was “animals not native to Europe invasion”. The entire article was about non-native animals that damage the eco-systems of Europe and cost the EU billions. And I’m very sorry about that, but what I am most upset about right now is the fact that the BBC is clearly trying to kill me. They obviously read my blog on my fear of dinosaurs and aliens and completely hated it and hated me and decided the best way to proceed would be to kill me so I wouldn’t write any more blogs. Sheesh. All because I wrote a blog post you didn’t like? That seems really petty BBC. Your murder plan almost worked- my heart did stop for a minute but luckily I had the presence of mind to stick my finger in an electrical socket thereby creating a surrogate defibrillator. Bet you didn’t count on my cleverness and ingenuity in a crisis. I hope you learned your lesson. Headlines might scare me but they won’t kill me. Probably. As long as there is an electrical socket nearby.

I would like to thank you for one thing though. Thanks to you, I now know I would probably survive an actual alien invasion because I can handle myself in a crisis. Sure, I will be scared. Sure, my heart might stop temporarily. But ultimately my cleverness and ingenuity will keep me alive to fight another day. I bet the aliens will underestimate me just like you did BBC, but boy will they be in for a surprise when I triumph over them just like I triumphed over your little murder scheme. I’m thinking that headline will read something like this…

CLEVER GIRL USES INGENUITY TO DEFEAT ALIENS AND SAVE THE PLANET

by: Girl on the Contrary (because I’m the only human left)

Reporter for BBC News, New York Times, and Austin American Statesman

And yes, I know the definition of “alien” is foreign or unlike one’s own and that you technically used it properly but I think we all know why you used that particular headline and it wasn’t for language’s sake. It was to murder me. Because you knew I would think you meant actual aliens. And you know something else? I bet I wasn’t the only one who jumped to that conclusion. Cheap journalism BBC. I bet there is still someone living in their basement listening to the wireless for signs of life above. This was very Orson Welles of you.

However, since I have been a very loyal reader and listener for years now I believe I can forgive you and put this incident behind us. It will be difficult but I think our relationship will survive this trial. Just don’t try to kill me again, ok?

Do You Ever Want to Hug Strangers? I Do.

Posted on August 13, 2010 by girlonthecontrary

I really do want to hug strangers sometimes. Like when I see someone walking by themselves without a smile, I just want to hug them. They probably need a hug. Or if I notice someone being really mean to someone else I just want to grab them both into a big hug and just let the love flow through me to them. If I acted on this impulse I am 100% sure I could single-handedly create world peace. Or get murdered.

Is this odd? People seem to think this is odd. My heart just goes out to everyone. Seriously, everyone (except cute guys because then I freeze up like a popsicle). The man asking for money at the stoplight on my way to work seems like he probably hasn’t bathed in months and is missing his teeth but his sign says “Hungry Hungry Hobo” and I just think that is really clever and he deserves a hug for it. I bet he would really appreciate a hug. And a sandwich. Or the cashier at the lunch spot I usually eat at, every time he takes my credit card to swipe it he says “Aw, dang girl, you have a black card? You must be a 12 millionaire.” And even though I know I’m not a 12 millionaire I want to give him a hug for saying it. Or the women I saw wearing a fanny-pack. I just want to hug her. I don’t know why I feel such affection for total strangers- I just do.

I usually don’t act on my impulse to hug because of several reasons.

1. People will think I am a creepy creepy creepster.

2. Someone will most likely call the cops.

3. The stranger I’m hugging might be a creepy creepy creepster and then stalk me and murder me and wear my skin as a summer dress.

4. I might get punched in the face.

5. I might get shot in the face.

These are all really good and compelling reasons not to hug strangers. But I still want to. And I can’t help but think that if everyone else had this same impulse and actually acted on it, even if it was just sometimes, then the whole world would be a better place. Because hugs cure diseases and broken hearts (and that is my medical opinion). It would be like in Care Bears except everyone would be Love-A-Lot Bear or TenderHeart Bear. Let’s be Care Bears people!

Be just like me!

And then I remember I don’t live in a cartoon (despite all my efforts) and I go back to reason number 5 which is probably what would happen to people if they acted like Care Bears. I guess I will just have to continue sending my hugs subliminally (which no one has proved to me doesn’t work) and hope all these strangers know I would absolutely without a doubt hug them if they wouldn’t shoot me in the face.