I heard that confession is good for the soul and I also heard that liar’s pants catch on fire, so, in the interest of my soul and my pants, I have some confessing to do. I wasn’t always completely honest in some of my past relationships- to spell it out for you I L-I-E-D. And I need to clear my conscious and admit those lies and I figure the best place to do that is the interweb because it reaches most people and robots. Please don’t think too poorly of me after this, when I told these lies I was young and immature, as opposed to now, when I’m old and immature.
Lie. “I’m not really that hungry, I’ll just have a salad.”
Truth. I was starving. My stomach was literally eating itself, but I didn’t want him to think I was a fatty fatty fat fat. Also, afterwards, I went home and ate like 3 boxes of bagel bites.
Lie. “Seriously, you don’t have to call me everyday. I’m not one of those girls.”
Truth. I was super pissed when he didn’t call me everyday. And I was well aware even then that the fact that I was mad at him was completely mental.
Lie. “Your friends of soooo funny. I really like them.”
Truth. Didn’t like one of them even a little bit.
Lie. “It’s so sweet when you call me “baby”. “
Truth. Hate it. Hate it so much it makes every muscle in my body tense up when I hear it as if I am preparing for battle.
Lie. “You should totally start a band. You would be brilliant in a band.”
Truth. That kid didn’t have an ounce of musical talent or taste in his body.
Lie. “Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine.”
Truth. Oh, something was wrong and I was definitely not fine. Poor kid, he didn’t have a chance.
Lie. “You’re right! This is an epic song.”
Truth. An epic tragedy and a musical affront to all mankind.
Wow. If I had a talking cricket (let’s call him Jiminy) who steered me in the right direction, he would be really proud right now. Also, I wouldn’t have to be a puppet anymore and it didn’t even require me surviving being swallowed by an ill-tempered whale while trying to find my Papa Gepeto. Oh happy day!
Also, I owe an apology to all those boyfriends past. Sorry guys! The truth is, I was always hungry, I wanted you to call, I didn’t like your friends, I don’t like being called baby, your band would have been terrible, I was mad as hell, and I think you have awful taste in music. But on the bright side, considering what I just told you, aren’t you glad we broke up? Silver lining fellas, silver lining.