He's mocking me with that hat.
If you’ve been reading this blog for any amount of time, you know that I have a very deep unrelenting fear of aliens. I’m pro-zombie, pro-ghost, pro-poltergeist, pro-monster, but I am very firmly anti-alien. I literally just hesitated to write that because I was momentarily afraid that the aliens would use this against me when they invade, but you know what, SCREW YOU ALIEN. I may be terrified of you but I’m not going to back down. You may be coming for me but I’m going down guns a-blazin. If you’re invading my planet then you better prepare for the fight of your life (or lives, I’m not sure how that works with your kind). Did I mention I’m terrified? But I digress.
Lately, my fear has been exacerbated by movie previews. Apparently, aliens are very in vogue. And having to sit through these previews feeling like my heart is about to explode from abject terror has led me to one conclusion. Steven Spielberg hates me. It’s the only logical conclusion. Just look at his filmography.
E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial. I don’t think this movie is “cute”. I think this movie is scary as hell. E.T. freaks me out. For real.
Gremlins. Also not “cute”. Not cute at all. Scary. Very scary.
Gremlins 2: The New Batch. At this point, he was just rubbing my fear in my face.
Men in Black. When will the world realize aliens aren’t funny? Do not be lured into a false sense of humor induced safety. Aliens are terrifying.
Men in Black II. Again, just rubbing it in. These sequels are going to give me a heart-attack.
Transformers. Sure, they’re machines but also, they’re aliens.
War of the Worlds. Listen, people panicked when H.G. Wells read this story on the radio for a reason.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. This movie was insulting on many levels.
And those are the movies that have already been released. Luckily, they were spread out over a long period of time and I was able to recover before the next one came out. But Spielberg is stepping up his game. In the next couple of years, he has SIX alien related movies or TV shows coming out. SIX! I mean, it could not be more obvious that Steven Spielberg hates me. HATES ME. So I decided to write him a short note. It is as follows.
Dear Mr. Spielberg,
How are you, sir? I hope you are well.
It has come to my attention that you hate me. I can’t imagine why that may be considering we have never met. I’m not making excuses, I’m just saying, I’m not sure what I’ve done to anger you so much. Whatever it was, please let me apologize. I am so deeply sorry. From the bottom of my heart, I apologize for whatever it was I did to make you hate me.
Please stop making movies about aliens. Please, sir. Please. You may think it would be as simple as me not going to see those films of yours. Oh! If it were that easy. Sadly, we live in a time of movie previews, so even if I don’t go to see your movie, I am forced to watch parts of it if I want to see any other movie or even watch a television show. Another complication is that you are quite a gifted filmmaker, and my friends and family usually want to see anything you are a part of. Often, I am dragged along with them and spend the next hour and a half to two hours about to pee my pants. It’s unpleasant.
I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t think you’ve made quite enough alien movies. I mean, you’ve made a LOT of alien movies. Perhaps you can go on an alien movie sabbatical that lasts forever? Please. I promise to never do whatever it was that made you hate me ever again. Cross my heart.
Also, I’m a big fan. You’ve made some epic films and I wish you many more of those- just so long as they don’t involve aliens.
Best wishes,
GotC
Fingers crossed that this note works. I really am sorry even though I don’t know what I did. I just need the alien movies to stop. What do you guys think? Spielberg obviously hates me right?
[...] If Julianne Moore dies, I’m writing a very angry letter to Steven Spielberg. I dont’ even care if it makes him hate me more. [...]
Stay far away from Signs (M. Night Shyamalan)! I don’t have a problem with aliens, but that film scared me. I think it was because it was done in a more old school style, so that you don’t see the aliens until the end, you just know that they are there. EEK.
Unfortunately, I did see Signs. It terrified me. I don’t think I slept for a week!
I’m with you on E.T. Scares the crap out of me. E.T. was the first movie I remember seeing in the theaters (1st movie was Empire Strikes Back, which I love). E.T. scared me, plain and simple. My kids think it’s hilarious that I’d be scared of that long necked, half giraffe freak. When I was 12 or so my grandmother bought my brother and I two movies for Christmas: Robocop and E.T. We weren’t allowed to watch Robocop because it’s rated R and we were 12 and 9 (and my parents would never let us watch something like that). E.T. was promptly smashed to bits on the garage floor after she left.
Aw. Your poor Grandma, she was probably just trying to be cool. Or maybe she wanted to scare the hell out of you.
Very funny! I hope you send the letter!
Thanks! I just might have to.
Hahaha, this post was very entertaining! I’m all for owning your irrational fears. You had me cracking up when you worried about typing a-l-i-e-n.
I’ll tell you a secret. i’m pro-ghost, pro-monster, pro-zombie just like you, but I fear dolls coming to life. At least aliens are possible, we don’t know. My fear is COMPLETELY irrational. Damn movies like Chucky!
Poor Chucky, he’s just a doll looking for a little love….
[...] told you guys that Steven Spielberg Hates Me and now it seems he saw that post and has decided to hate me even more. His hatred knows no [...]
Maybe Mr. Spielberg is an alien himself and knows the person to first take down is GotC in order to take over the world.
You’ve gotten to the heart of the plot!
Omigosh, girlie, this is the best thing I’ve read this week! I love it! So you hate you-know-what movies more than say Poltergeist, like when the meat starts moving across the table? Or when the dwarf woman (okay, little person) starts saying (in her creepy voice) “Diane! Go into the light!” Or when the skeletons start coming up from the swimming pool? Whoa. I’m just saying, that was one uber-scary movie.
But clearly, Spielberg has it out for you and I sincerely hope you letter does the trick. Clearly, he needs to be stopped.
Thank you so much! I actually love Poltergeist, I know it’s creepy but I love it.
What ever you do… dont see the 4th Kind…. it will freak you out mentally.
It did me. And you dont wanna end up like me.
That’s true. Hahaha!
Out of curiosity, why do you hate aliens? Did you see too many horror movies as a kid?
I wish I had a great story for why I’m afraid of aliens. I don’t. I honestly have no clue why they terrify me so much, they just do. I’m sure it’s some sort of psychological problem. Oh well.
Soooo funny!!!!!
Just have to admit, I’m not a very big fan of alien movies, mostly because they’re stupid … I do love ET … absolutely LOVE it … Still cry every time he goes back home
I was so relieved when he went back home, finally my terror was at an end.
have you not seen the previews for Cowboys and Aliens with Harrison Ford??? His Steveness is not involed in that one…
and what about all those cute little suckers in Close Encounters? Richard Dreyfuss didn’t seem to mind…
Spielberg is executive producer for Cowboys and Aliens, which reinforces my belief in his hatred of me.
Unless Dreyfuss is fighting a giant shark or composing an opus, I’ve not seen it.
I guess it could be worse…you could be menaced by quinten tarantino or rob zombie…
I guess that’s true. Tarantino is my homie so I don’t think I need to worry about that.
Dear GotC
It is fairly obvious that Mr. Spielberg does, indeed, have a personal vendetta against you. I think that your only recourse, if that letter doesn’t work, is to investigate some voodoo…
I’m afraid you’re right. Let’s hope this letter works because otherwise…..it might get a little voodoo-y.
You do voodoo?
I’m sure I could learn.
Just read this and stuck around for several more posts. Love your outlook (especially on pet names and drunks in cars!) and writing style. Glad to have found your blog and will definitely be back for more!
Yay!! Welcome! Thanks a million!