I get asked this a lot. I also get asked variations of this such as “Seeing anyone special?” “How’s the dating life?” ” Still single?” and the somewhat insulting “Signed up for online dating yet? You’re not getting younger and prettier.” So, I have a lot of practice answering it in the least pathetic and dignified way possible- which usually goes something like ” Thanks so much for caring, I’m sure I will meet someone special someday. Until then I am just loving life the way it is.”
But you know, something? I’m getting really tired of answering these questions just so that the asker can feel better about my love life. Um. In case you didn’t notice the emphasis in that sentence was MY. Because it’s mine. And though I am quite a gifted sharer this is one thing I prefer to keep to myself thanks. So, I decided instead of giving an answer that puts whoever is asking this question at ease and attempts to defuse the awkwardness of the conversation I am going to attempt to answer this question as awkwardly as possible. I want to see some cringes and uncomfortable laughing. I’ve compiled a list of responses that I think will do the trick nicely. Please enjoy and feel free to share your ideas as well!
DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND?
- Friend? What’s a friend?
-Of course not. I’m too busy preparing for the apocalypse. Aren’t you?
- 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one. ( This is a Jay-Z song. If you don’t know it, get familiar.)
- I have several locked up in my basement but I haven’t heard any sounds down there in weeks so I think we’re on a break.
- Um. Yeah. He’s standing right next to me. Don’t you see him?
- Well, my other personality has one but I don’t.
- Yo! I’ll tell ya what I want what I really really want!
-Boyfriend is as boyfriend does.
-Well, since 2012 is doomsday I hardly think it’s worth the effort.
- Not yet but I have a really strong love potion brewing so keep your fingers crossed.
I can’t wait to use these lines and witness the awkwardness! This is going to be fun.