This was the headline that greeted me Friday morning. My heart literally stopped. It just froze in my chest. I had to stick my finger in an electrical socket to re-start it. Aliens??? My worst fears realized. And they cost the EU billions??? Gasp. Shudder. Scream. How could this be happening? Why haven’t I heard of it earlier? What if aliens have already taken over the bodies of people in the US ( no jokes here please because I know what you are all thinking….) and I am the only one left with control over their own mind? Is that why I haven’t heard about this before? A US alien conspiracy to hide the truth that they have already taken over and are costing us billions? So many questions!
Scared to death though I was, I continued to read on. At least I would finally know the truth. The truth ended up being that the BBC was just trying to kill me. What they meant when they said “alien invasion” was “animals not native to Europe invasion”. The entire article was about non-native animals that damage the eco-systems of Europe and cost the EU billions. And I’m very sorry about that, but what I am most upset about right now is the fact that the BBC is clearly trying to kill me. They obviously read my blog on my fear of dinosaurs and aliens and completely hated it and hated me and decided the best way to proceed would be to kill me so I wouldn’t write any more blogs. Sheesh. All because I wrote a blog post you didn’t like? That seems really petty BBC. Your murder plan almost worked- my heart did stop for a minute but luckily I had the presence of mind to stick my finger in an electrical socket thereby creating a surrogate defibrillator. Bet you didn’t count on my cleverness and ingenuity in a crisis. I hope you learned your lesson. Headlines might scare me but they won’t kill me. Probably. As long as there is an electrical socket nearby.
I would like to thank you for one thing though. Thanks to you, I now know I would probably survive an actual alien invasion because I can handle myself in a crisis. Sure, I will be scared. Sure, my heart might stop temporarily. But ultimately my cleverness and ingenuity will keep me alive to fight another day. I bet the aliens will underestimate me just like you did BBC, but boy will they be in for a surprise when I triumph over them just like I triumphed over your little murder scheme. I’m thinking that headline will read something like this…
CLEVER GIRL USES INGENUITY TO DEFEAT ALIENS AND SAVE THE PLANET
by: Girl on the Contrary (because I’m the only human left)
Reporter for BBC News, New York Times, and Austin American Statesman
And yes, I know the definition of “alien” is foreign or unlike one’s own and that you technically used it properly but I think we all know why you used that particular headline and it wasn’t for language’s sake. It was to murder me. Because you knew I would think you meant actual aliens. And you know something else? I bet I wasn’t the only one who jumped to that conclusion. Cheap journalism BBC. I bet there is still someone living in their basement listening to the wireless for signs of life above. This was very Orson Welles of you.
However, since I have been a very loyal reader and listener for years now I believe I can forgive you and put this incident behind us. It will be difficult but I think our relationship will survive this trial. Just don’t try to kill me again, ok?